Nap Time Diaries: When Your First Labour Leaves You Unsure of a Second

I sat on the examination table in the OBGYN’s office, naked from the waist down with my legs covered by a white sheet. I’d been here before, not this particular office, but being a woman and a mother I’ve been in this situation before. Having to strip down to have a doctor look at you is never something you get used to and even though I had given birth almost a year ago and had, I don’t even know how many people, looking down there I still fiddled my fingers nervously.

Nothing has really been the same since having my baby, physically or emotionally, but regardless I know the time for having baby number two is going to be approaching soon and since I’d had some complications after my labour I wanted to make sure everything is okay for when we decided to start trying again. The OBGYN came in and sat down, first she asked me questions about why I was there and about my pregnancy and labour. I explained to her what had happened after giving birth and that it had made me hesitant about doing it again. When she asked why I held back tears and just said it was all a bit traumatizing.

After taking a look she said everything was great and I had nothing to worry about, ‘on a scale of someone who shouldn’t have another baby to someone who could have ten more babies, I could have ten more babies’ were her exact words, but I think she knew it wasn’t the physical trauma that was the issue. What she said next was something I’ve needed to hear for a long time. She said, “I know it’s scary. You have this bad memory of what it was like, what the recovery was like, but it won’t be like that again. The chances of it happening the first time were so small, the chances of it happening a second time are even smaller. It doesn’t have to be traumatic again, it will go great and you will have a whole new way of remembering it.”

At this point, I had started crying (behind my face mask which actually made me less embarrassed about crying because at least she couldn’t see my whole face). She passed me a box of tissues and continued, “Some people like to drive the bus and be in complete control of everything, some people like to have someone else drive the bus for them. You seem like an accomplished woman who can take care of herself, but when the time comes you need to have people you can trust to take care of you and walk you through it. Pick a medical provider who you trust to hold your hand and reassure you through the whole thing because that’s what you need. You will be okay.”

Even after having my baby a year ago, the thought of having another and going through it all again has terrified me. Having people tell you it will be fine and that I didn’t need to worry didn’t really take that fear away. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to understand what you’ve been through and the emotional toll its taken on you to reassure you that even though you might be scared it’s not something you’ll ever go through alone and as long as you have people that you trust helping you through it, it will all be okay.

I’m not saying I’m ready right this minute to have a second baby after speaking with her, but just like with the first there may not ever be a perfect time to go for it. It’s nice to have your feelings and fears acknowledged and confirmed as legitimate by someone who is going to give it to you straight, and I don’t think she realizes that her words will stick with me now and through my next pregnancy, just not through another ten after that because that’s just not happening.

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